Deconstruction theory and a tonsillectomy made me lose my mind

Every English major at my school must take ENGL 2400 — intro to literary studies — and ENGL 2700 — critical theory. It’s typical for students to either take literary studies one semester and critical theory the next, or even take them congruently, but when registering for classes my freshman year, I decided to take critical theory by itself.

so many words but can't use the right "two"

I think to myself all of the time, Why did I do this? For a few simple reasons: 1. Literary studies was at 4:00 and I liked to finish my classes earlier in the day. 2. There wasn’t a pre or corequisite needed to take critical theory. 3. I didn’t know critical theory was such a involved subject.

Critical theory is a course that looks at how literature and language has been analyzed and understood throughout history. Some of the more recent theories, like critical race theory or gender studies are very approachable because you are just viewing literature through various social lenses. Deconstruction theory, however, was another beast.

Some background: Deconstruction theory is the antithesis to structuralism — a belief that every word is fixed in its meaning. Deconstructionalists argue that any given word could have a multitude of meanings. 

The theory suggests that we as a society view the world in binaries. We understand things through what they are not. For example, we know what cold is because we know what hot is, and vice versa.  Because of that, our language is limited when it comes to describing things that aren’t so black and white.

Still, we allow language to dictate reality and because of that, it holds power, which can be abused. Take gendered language as an example.

Man and Woman are binary opposites. Men are big, where women are small. Men are masculine, where women are feminine. Masculinity is hard and femininity is soft. To be hard is to be strong and to be soft is to be weak. Therefore, men are strong and women are weak. Men are leaders and women are followers. 

That sort of language has controlled women for ages, but it’s nothing more than a construct, according to deconstruction.

me without tonsils

These are important things to question, but sometimes questioning everything can be a little much. It definitely was for me in March 2023.

So, I took this class spring of my freshman year, and deconstruction theory became a sort of focus of the semester. You know what else became a focus? The sore throats I had every two weeks that school year.

After many doctors visits and countless antibiotics, I was eventually diagnosed with tonsillitis and prescribed a little surgery to take those guys out. 

We scheduled the surgery during spring break, so that it wouldn’t affect my studies. What we didn’t take into account was how long the recovery period is for adult tonsillectomies. 

The last day of spring break, I took my pain pill which made me nauseous, so I took my anti nausea pill which made me sleepy, so I took a nap, and then I woke up and drove two hours from my hometown to my college town.

I planned on preparing for my critical theory presentation when I got home, but I was in so much pain all I wanted to do was fall asleep.

Except, I couldn’t. I took my prescribed pill cocktail, yet stayed wide awake. I took some melatonin, which didn’t work either. I tossed and turned, my mind going a million miles an hour. And you know what I was thinking about the whole time?

Deconstruction theory. It was sickening. 

me the last day of spring break, obviously ready to go back to school...

I tried sleeping upside down, on the couch, going for a little drive, but I questioned the meaning of every word in my vocabulary until my alarm went off at 6 a.m.

The next night went very similarly. After a few hours, I knew I wasn’t going to fall asleep, so  I settled on manically writing in my notes app for the duration of the evening. I wrote about lycanthropy, planned out every day that week, and yes, wrote about deconstruction.

“As a deconstruction feminist theorist would say… is the female gender a softer, more passive, binary opposite to the aggressive and dominant male gender? Or was such verbiage created to obtain power in what otherwise would be an unstable social construct?”

I stand by what I said, but I do wish I could have slept that night.

The following morning I threw up, ripping off all of the scabbing on my tonsils, which really, really hurt. So, I had my dad come pick me up, I spent the rest of the week recovering, and missed my critical theory presentation. 

This might sound dramatic, but my tonsillectomy haunts me to this day. Not just because of the pain, but also because I spent my whole recovery period deconstructing my reality. I love deconstruction theory, really, and I believe it's so expedient to question certain norms in our society. Without questioning, we cannot grow. However, there is a time and place for critical theory, and high on pain pills is not one of them.